Colourful and Crazy

Does anyone else have 'one of those days'? Today is one of those days for me. From the moment you wake, it starts off. Starts to head downhill. And continues to get worse. And it is probably one of those days when you are least likely to be able to handle it.

Everything is rotten, I am miserable, and as each minute ticks by there seems to be another reason to like myself even less. The little girl is asleep - oh puh-lease let her sleep well and long. The little boy is watching the Wiggles with heavy eyes, and I think when I finish typing this sentence I will go and see if those heavy eyes are now shut and resting.

Yep, he asleep. I had to take a photo, he looks so uncomfortable. And then I covered him with a blanket and nestled a pillow for support.

He must have been tired cause he was whingeing and getting under my skin, which of course would have been very easy. I ask him 'Are you tired?' No. 'Do you want to have a sleep?' No. He wants the Wiggles on, I want to watch The Morning Show on 7. I want to watch the clips of Princess Isabella at her christening and her perfect little family. I want to sit in my jimmies under a blanket, I want to cry at how lovely it all is. Babies are so precious and beautiful, little miracles. On the show they are going back over Mary and Fred's story. How they met, their wedding. I cry on the inside. Cause I have a little boy's head directly in front of mine blocking the television, asking for the Wiggles. I put on the Wiggles, take the little girl up to bed, and miss out on watching other people's wonderful lives.

I have a few minutes of peace (they rarely are asleep at the same time during the day). I can't pick myself up to actually do something I want. I realise I need to talk, and here I am. Talking to you. Well, at some point you will listen (read), but right now I am talking to my computer. I want to cry, I think I need to release some emotion, I am not able to cry. I feel dull and lifeless. Everybody is going about their normal day, everybody seems happy and living their life, moving on. I feel stuck, stuck inside my sorry self. I don't know if everyone is happy. Right now it is me against the whole entire happy world. I hope this wave of sadness is blown away with the winds today, and I can be happy too.

I think I will write two lists. Firstly, to help vent and release some emotion/negative thoughts, I will write what is yuck. What I don't like, what is annoying me, what things could be dragging me down. Then I will write a list of all the good things in my life. I know there is some, but right now I need to refresh my memory. I think I need to put that last list up on my wall. I think I need to make it colourful and have some pretty flowers on it.

The little boy has just walked in, obviously a very short nap. He is something I am lucky to have, so we will have a cuddle and play and I will give him something I don't give myself. Love.